For nine months my baby girl has been sleeping half the night in her bassinet half the night in my bed {and I've been loving it}.
Curled up sleeping soundly next to me {rapt up in my warmth and my love}.
And I would lie face-to-face cuddled with her {listening to her soft sweet breath and running my fingers gently along her face while she slept}.
And I'd whisper I love yous and tell her how beautiful she is {how blessed I am to have her} each night before I drifted into sleep.
And in my head {and heart} I knew that the time would come when she would be too big to sleep in her bassinet {but I wasn't going to make it happen}.
Because I adored it {falling asleep rapt up in her baby warmth and to the sound of her breath}.
And I'd got used to our little bedtime charade {a little ritual and a whole lot of love}.
Last week as I cuddled up to my baby girl for sleep, she crawled all over the bed. All over me. Giggled and crawled. Not at all interested in sleep {or our precious routine}.
So I placed her in her bassinet, and kissed her goodnight {hoping she would find sleep there}.
Two seconds later I heard giggling, and spotted my cheeky smiling baby on her knees looking out at me over the bassinet.
I didn't want to let go {to admit our bedtime ritual was over}.
But I walked to the next room and placed her in her cot {part of me hoping she might cry out to come back to my bed}.
She smiled her precious smile, rolled over and went to sleep. Ready for her own bed. Done with our co-sleeping. Just like that.
And I'm wondering if this is how it will be forever. {Her growing up, me lingering behind}.
Loving her holding my hand, and then one day {when I'm least expecting it} she'll wriggle her hand away from mine. Just like that.
Loving cuddles before bedtime, and then one day {when I'm least expecting it} she just won't need it anymore. Just like that.
Loving her looking up at me, wanting me, asking me questions and then one day {when I'm least expecting it} I'll be standing next to her but she won't need me so close anymore. Just like that.
I wasn't ready to admit my baby's growing up {and it stung a little to let go}, but I'm guessing that's the way it will always be - a bit of a sting as I realise she doesn't need me so much, but a whole lot of love and pride too as I watch her grow.
And I hope she knows that as big as she grows, as much as she wants change and makes changes, as self-sufficient and independent as she becomes... I'll always be here loving her, and I'll hold her hand any day, at any time. Forever if she'll let me.
Elisa xx
