I stopped breathing. Not all together. But I stopped breathing fully. And I think it went on for a while there. A few months or many more, perhaps.
Shallow breaths, and a heaviness in my core. I kept gasping for new air, as I moved about in survival mode.
And a part of me got so used to it, I didn't even notice the other part of me was broken down.
I was operating as parts and pieces, not a whole.
I suppose it was easier this way - disconnecting from my emotions, burying stress and anxiety behind smiles. Biding my time. Waiting for stress to pass.
Then one day {after what felt like forever} along came space and time, and an opportunity for change. Hesitantly I took this chance, and began making it mine.
I leaned on those around me. I gathered my strength. Their support recharged me, and inspired me as I tentatively ventured in a new direction. I even found support within myself.
Changes were made {big and little}. And stress slowly let go of it's strangle hold on my neck and shoulders.
The shadows in my days were replaced with fragments of light.
As I focused on the light, it grew. Joy. Wonder. Happiness. Gratitude.
It's only in the looking back that I can see fully the depth of the stress I felt, admire the distance I have come, and recognise that I've learnt to breathe again.
xx
{I write this as a way of recognising the past and the lessons learnt and the strength gathered over time. And as a way of fully releasing and letting go of this time I label stress. I write this as the post I've been wanting to write about how stress can feel - suffocating, disconnected and consuming. I write this for clarity. And as I write this, I inhale fully and effortlessly, and I exhale gently and with ease. I can breathe. Elisa xx}
Are you aware of your breath {full, slow and flowing} when you're happy and relaxed? And short and shallow in times of stress?
Hi Elisa, there is an amazing sense of presence in your writing, that's so enjoyable to read and inspiring. Lately, I've noticed my breaths becoming shorter and I notice specific things that trigger it. I guess we can't always control the things that happen, but we can control how we react, thanks for reminding me of this :-)
ReplyDeleteIt is an amazing feeling when you can feel the stress releasing, and see the growth in the positive around you.
ReplyDeleteIt's so important to realize how far we have come and I am glad to see you are able to take time to reflect. I am very aware of my breath lately as these days can get long and hard with a very intense little girl on my hands. Lately, when I feel the stress coming on or feel a bit overwhelmed I remind myself to breath deeply and fully so that I can feel the breath in the back of my throat and filling my lungs and it has really helped to slow me down and lessen the stress. It's so easy to forget to breathe.
ReplyDeleteThat's wonderful Elisa. Keep having those bits of time for yourself. As you said it allows you to recharge your batteries. You then have more to give to others. xxoo
ReplyDeleteAlso, love your pot with the water and plants. xxoo
ReplyDeleteI could have written these words myself a 1000 times over. Wonderfully expressed Elisa and glad to hear you are learning to breath fully :)
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