In sickness & health

We've spent a week sick. And now that we're better, we're enjoying the sweet feeling of health returned and more energy yet still spending much of our days resting, moving gently. Because it seems that's what our bodies are wanting of us right now, and perhaps that's what winter is calling us to do too. 

And while getting sick always upsets me, because I do oh so much to keep my family healthy, I've learnt a couple things this time around. And first is to redefine my thoughts on sick. Because colds and high temps, as much as it's horrible to see your babies unwell and exhausting to care for them when you're feeling much the same - well that's one level of sick that our healthy bodies can fight and handle. And that our bodies bounce back from rather well. So yes we've been sick, but in being so our bodies have shown us how strong and capable they are too. Because we are healthy. 

And while I normally avoid catching what my girls get, this time around I'm pretty confident I had to get sick to realign myself with where I need to be. And turns out where I need to be is where I already am. Right here, just being, not doing more and not doing less, but shuffling things around so there's more time for what matters most. 

I've also been reminded that I have time. I have time. Just saying those words aloud reminds me to slow. To give thanks for now. I made a couple big decisions this past month, and it turns out now I've changed my mind on those. And that's okay. Because slowing to take less on but take in more of right now, it just seems right for me. And us. 

xx

Are you called to slow down this season too? x

Finally here

This summer's been what I least expected. Ups and downs. Fast and slow. Filled with contrast. But I suppose that's more than summer - that's living, learning, surviving, celebrating. That's life.

Half way through the season and finally the summer weather {read heatwave} has arrived.
And finally it feels I've arrived too - thriving in body, mind and soul.

This summer has equalled...
More time at the beach with my girls than ever before.
Realigning myself with priorities, rhythms and intentions that speak to my heart.
Finding pockets of slow to see me through bursts of relentless and busy {but grateful for} work.
Redefining healthy once more.
Learning and relearning.
Affirming, journaling and meditating.
Gaining new insight. And ideas.
Buying more books than I can read right now.
Carving out pockets of time to be alone and just be.
Choosing more. And choosing less.
Making parts of each day a holiday, when true holidays just can't happen right now.

And it feels like all these changes have been a long time coming.
But today I realised while the timing was gradual it was also perfect, and it's left me looking at a better {healthier, stronger} me.

xx

What makes you a better you? x

No matter the weather

No matter the weather this is where I want to be.

No matter if I'm admiring calm turquoise waters or witnessing a dark sea with rolling waves.

Whichever is the rhythm of the day, being here nourishes me.

Reminds me that every day brings change, and to embrace it.

Reminds me to breathe. And exhale fully. And to give thanks.

It reminds me to look for beauty in the ordinary. Because it's always there. And here.

xx


Do you look for beauty in your everyday? x

Redefining slow

Two months ago I poured my heart out into a piece of writing on finding slow, now part of the ebook, Heart Centred Living. I wrote about my journey of sorts to slowing down, finding mindfulness and reconnecting with my heart.

I hoped my words would capture and share slow as it is for me - the rhythm that I know my heart and body move to best.

Yesterday I read back my words, and I got thinking about my current days, my gratitude practice, the rituals I follow ....

And that slowing down is a rhythm I continue to redefine and relearn as I grow, and find new ways of expressing mindfulness, heart and creativity in my days.

xx

{An excerpt from my piece: Finding Slow. Or the Rhythm of my Heart}

In slow, I have learnt to just be. To sit in silence. To meditate.  To allow myself to surrender. Even if it’s for just one minute each day.

In slow, I have learnt trust. I will get there in the end.

In slow, I have learnt to listen to my heart as well as my head.

In slow, I have learnt to listen to my body – and discovered all the aspects of health that resonate with me.

In slow, I have learnt that healing is possible. And that it’s never too late for change.

In slow, I have learnt that your slow is different to mine. And it’s about honouring ourselves, as much as each other.

In slow, I have learnt that I can always move slower. And that I can in fact handle doses of fast; before returning to the slow that is the rhythm of my heart.

xx

~ You can download the free ebook Heart Centred Living {edited by Deb @ Home Life Simplified} here, featuring 18 writers all sharing from their hearts. Elisa x

The only way to give the best of me to those I love

I keep coming back to this Paolo Coelho quote: "Life has many ways of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.”

It’s been my past month, and I’ve stressed my way through it.

Silly because I know better, because I have plenty of strategies to counteract that stress/anxiety cycle, and silly because I know that my body doesn’t one bit like the rushing I’ve made it endure.

It took a late-night conversation two nights ago to remind me of what I already know to be true. And to remind me of my body’s wisdom and my ability to heal, grow and evolve.

Today I sat in meditation – and I felt all the parts of me that have been scrambling around these past weeks float back to where they belong.

Those moments of meditation were filled with the noise of two busy and beautiful little girls singing and dancing and throwing a tea party for themselves, but as I breathed fully, as I exhaled, and I tuned into the core of me, for the first time in too long I reconnected with the presence, energy and stillness that resides within me.

Tonight I will give thanks, and tomorrow I will meditate again. And I remind myself that choosing to nurture my body and soul is the only way to give the best of me to those I love.

xx

Do you make nurture a priority each day? And what is nuture for you? I'd love to know x

A little less, a little more

I've been thinking about what I could go a little less of and a little more of since seeing this Blackmores ad*.

Actually I'd been thinking loads recently about what was missing from my days, but I like the little more, little less concept so much better. Especially the little part. No big scary changes, just gentle shifts in the direction I want to sail.

A little less procastination, a little more sleep 

A little less checking the clock, a little more cardio 

A little less staring at the computer screen, a little more staring at the water

A little less facebook, a little more book reading

A little less talking, a little more listening 

A little less planning, a little more taking chances

A little less fear, a little more courage

Some of these are really big for me. But with little in front of them it feels like I can tackle them. Slowly, bit by bit. More or less.

xx

What would you go a little less of? Or a little more of?

{Gratitude this week for the little changes I am committing to making, for the fears I have decided on facing, and for health - because while it hasn't been in our house much for the past fortnight it almost always is. Elisa xx}

*I have no affiliation with Blackmores. I was just inspired by the concept/ad! 

Holding them closer

It's been quiet here, and busy at the same time. I've slept cuddled up to one or both of my little girls for more than a week now. They've been on and off sick. And I hold them close each night knowing that I'm not going to sleep that well at all. A part of me sleeps while a part of me lies constantly awake listening to their breathing, ready just in case they need.

Miss three holds my hand as she falls asleep saying "promise do not leave" and even accompanies me to get a glass of water in the middle of the night. Miss 18 months lays on top of me, one little arm tucked around my neck and the other twisting strands of my hair through her fingers as if drawing me closer and holding me tight at the same time.

In our touch, closeness and embrace comes love, safety and comfort. And as we fall asleep I hold them closer telling them I love them forever and no matter what, and that they're getting better bit by bit in each moment of each day. And I give thanks for the love we share, and that health is almost always our usual state. And I wonder a little if the time will come when I too will need them to hold me close, tell me I'm loved and that it will all be okay.

xx

~ Linking late with the 52 Week's of Grateful here. I'm grateful for sleep, holding my girls close, health even when it's not here, birthdays {mine today!} and amazing dinners not cooked by me xx

What are you most grateful for right now? How has your week been?

The Art of Gratitude

When I began writing weekly gratitude posts the idea of posting for 52 weeks scared me. I didn't think I could do it. And I didn't think I did gratitude well.

I was grateful. But for the big things mostly. And when I needed to be. It was something I was working on. Gratitude wasn't a mindset for me. But that's what it's become.

My first real lesson in gratitude came eight years ago when my health was suffering and I was desperately eliminating foods from my diet and cursing my body for the pain I was in every day.

During that time {although I always believed I would find healthy again} I realised I was much less than grateful for my body and not at all grateful for the {lack of} food choices I now had.

My amazing health practitioner suggested my body may  {most definitely would} digest food more easily if I gave thanks for it first. If I was grateful for food. This was an awakening of sorts for me - I realised that I often mindlessly ate, and I simply expected food to be available.

Slowly and mindfully, I changed that attitude. I began by eating my food slowly {one bite at a time}, and really tasting it. I gave thanks before I ate - offering gratitude not just for the food itself but for the nourishment it would bring to my body. I began to cook more mindfully too - conscious of choosing seasonal produce, conscious of the way I cooked my food and I became more adventurous with my cooking style as I steered myself toward whole foods, fresh foods and less grains.

And while this is probably where my gratitude journey began, it took taking part in the 52 Weeks of Grateful for gratitude to align with my heart.

Gratitude has moved from practise to habit to almost effortless. It's taken time. But it's now part of how I think.

And I've come to believe that gratitude is in every moment of every day. If we choose to look for it.

xx


Do you practise gratitude? What are you most grateful for today?

{Linking with the 52 Weeks of Grateful. I've posted and linked up for more than 52 weeks now. Each week I love reading the grateful posts. I've discovered such wonderful blogs and learnt so much about gratitude from this beautiful community over here. For that, I'm grateful xx}

{Oh and I'm creating a gratitude blog roll. So if you're a blogger who posts on gratitude or we've met via the 52 Weeks of Grateful, please let me know in the comments below or via Facebook. I'd love to add you to my list. Elisa xx}

A reminder {for myself}

Walk slowly. {You will still get there in the end}.

Breathe deeply. {And let it all out}.

Notice when your day is rushed. {Then stop and be still}.

Meditate each day. {Even for just a minute}.

Tune in to your heart. {Love yourself}.

Spend time in nature. {Take your shoes off, and connect with the Earth beneath you}.

Stomp, dance, walk, stretch, run, skip. {Let your body move}.

Find one thing to be grateful for each day. {And give thanks}.

Really look at the world around you. {Choose to see love}.

xx

{After last week and its challenges, this reminder I wrote for myself at the start of the year has been on my mind xx}


What's on your mind? Anything you need to remind yourself of right now?

Out of a shadow of exhaustion

This week has been tough.

I've felt like I'm failing a lot. {But I'm not}.

A mixture of fear, uncertainty, worry and exhaustion will do that.

But mainly exhaustion. {And I really hate the taste of my tears.}

I've felt lost more than anything this week.

I keep double booking myself.

I keep forgetting what I'm meant to do {and where I'm meant to be}.

And I keep forgetting to check in with my heart.

I get offers for help, but I forget how to say yes. Then {thankfully} the offers come back, and that's when I remember to accept.

I learnt this week that watching your partner get wheeled into surgery doesn't get any easier a second time.

I learnt to break one crappy emotional cycle and pick up the phone and talk instead of reaching for chocolate when anxiety gets the better of me.

I learnt that whatever cocktail of emotions I'm experiencing my little miss three gets a small dose of it. We can't disconnect {and I don't know how to shield her from it}. We're talking through what we feel while we hold each other instead.

And out of the shadows of a consuming week come sparks of love and fragments of light.

Words to hold onto. {Words to see me through.}

"Don't be scared mummy. Everybody loves you."

"Let's worry about tomorrow tomorrow."

"This too will pass."

Grateful finally arrived on Thursday morning in a wave of relief and seven-hours-in-a-row sleep.

I woke to a moody sky and when I stepped outside the breeze felt like change was coming.

A light gentle rain began soon after. And it was only then that I remembered to stop and breathe, and that I could choose to start my week again.

xx

{I'm grateful for the words that bring me back to this moment right now, and for all those who have offered support and checked in with me this week and asked, "Are you okay?" I am. I'm grateful for change and a new day, time together as a family, our health and especially for my 16-month-old little girl who has slept through for nine hours for two days in a row for the first time xx}

~ Linking with Maxabella for Kidspot's 52 Weeks of Grateful over here x

 

Learning to breathe again

I stopped breathing. Not all together. But I stopped breathing fully. And I think it went on for a while there. A few months or many more, perhaps.

Shallow breaths, and a heaviness in my core. I kept gasping for new air, as I moved about in survival mode.

And a part of me got so used to it, I didn't even notice the other part of me was broken down.

I was operating as parts and pieces, not a whole.

I suppose it was easier this way - disconnecting from my emotions, burying stress and anxiety behind smiles. Biding my time. Waiting for stress to pass.

Then one day {after what felt like forever} along came space and time, and an opportunity for change. Hesitantly I took this chance, and began making it mine.

I leaned on those around me. I gathered my strength. Their support recharged me, and inspired me as I tentatively ventured in a new direction. I even found support within myself.

Changes were made {big and little}. And stress slowly let go of it's strangle hold on my neck and shoulders.

The shadows in my days were replaced with fragments of light.

As I focused on the light, it grew. Joy. Wonder. Happiness. Gratitude.

It's only in the looking back that I can see fully the depth of the stress I felt, admire the distance I have come, and recognise that I've learnt to breathe again.

xx

{I write this as a way of recognising the past and the lessons learnt and the strength gathered over time. And as a way of fully releasing and letting go of this time I label stress. I write this as the post I've been wanting to write about how stress can feel - suffocating, disconnected and consuming. I write this for clarity. And as I write this, I inhale fully and effortlessly, and I exhale gently and with ease. I can breathe. Elisa xx}


Are you aware of your breath {full, slow and flowing} when you're happy and relaxed? And short and shallow in times of stress?

 

On this Friday

A whole lot of stressful scenarios intertwined this week. Part inevitable, part unforeseeable. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. Life happened, and regardless I'm always grateful for it. But here on this Friday, Monday seems months ago. Because we've come so far, and because the days have felt so long.

And I'm feeling grateful for:

Health. {Whether it's here or not} 

Sleep. {A good night's sleep and a new day can make everything so much better. But I'm still forever wishing my babies would give me more precious sleep.}  

Time & trust {It doesn't feel like I'm getting much time right now, but I trust that things will improve.} 

Listening {I listened to my heart and head this week. I'm glad I let my heart win.}

Comfort {That my arms and love can offer so much.}

Listeners {I was listened to with empathy and patience this week, and it made a beautiful difference ~ thank you xx. I'm always so very conscious of how I listen and how I could listen better. It felt so good to be heard.} 

Words {Spoken and written. When I didn't get to write this week I spoke, and read too.}   

xx

What are you most grateful for this week?

{Linking with gratitude to Maxabella's 52 Weeks of Grateful xx}

Apples in my basket

Years ago a friend asked me how many apples I had in my basket.

I laughed {because I do that a lot}. But I didn't understand what she meant. I wasn't carrying a basket. I don't even like apples.

My friend asked the question again. This time she asked me to visualise my basket.

This time I got it. And I did see a few apples in there {scattered in that basket}. But not a lot. Not an abundance. Not even many.

The basket symbolises our bodies/worlds/hearts/selves. The apples indicate how nourished we are {at any given time}.

Every now and then I ponder this question, just checking in. Sometimes the basket's overflowing, sometimes it's lacking, sometimes it's somewhere inbetween.

I don't ponder the question often, or even regularly. I trust my intuition to pose the question when it's needed.

Today when I woke up {after five hours straight sleep for the first time in weeks} that question popped into my head.

How many apples in my basket?

I cringed when I saw it.

In the past weeks of long days, sick and little sleep, I've been moving as gently as I can but not fully nourishing myself {not for any decent length of time}. Just getting through each day. Slowly at times, franticly at others. There has certainly been gentle moments, but I've felt the rough and rushed ones too.

I've made this week intentionally slower {as I settle back to me}. But today, I set out to put some apples back in that basket.

Little miss two proclaimed it the "best day ever" when I told her our plans: Coffee {babycino}. Park. Library. Beach.

But I forgot about the beach part til we were driving home, and a little voice called out "Mummy, we watching the waves?" My favourite thing to do. And I think it's hers too.

So we stopped, just the two of us braving the wind, watching the waves and the birds too.

She counted the waves. I closed my eyes and listened to their roar.

We walked back to the car hand in hand, a little more nourishment added to our day.

A few more apples in my basket.

Elisa xx

{image by me - made black & white via instagram @withgraceandeve}

Do you check your basket for apples?

Lighter and sweeter

I hate to admit it but every time I get a cold {or any sickness at all really} it's always at the same time as I'm trying to bid goodbye to some form of emotional stress or tension out of my body {and life}.

As though my body, mind, heart and soul align to clear out the old and make way for the new {with force}.

It feels rather terrible {consuming and cloudy} and I'm so very aware of my body, thoughts and feelings when this is going on.

It's a time when all I can really do is surrender control {I'm forever learning more on this lesson}, accept what's going on, trust and do little things to nurture myself {and my days} too.

When I pull through {it always gets better} it's wondrous how much lighter and sweeter everything feels {looks, sounds and tastes}.

It's as though I'm seeing life from a new angle. And I want to capture and hold onto all these light and sweet moments {and keep this feeling of fresh and new}.

But mostly I want to notice and let more of life's light and sweets filter through. Even just for a little each day.

Elisa xx

{Grateful for this week's sweet moments ~ my baby learning to cuddle, my big girl running into my arms first thing in the morning saying "it's so nice to see you", hubby surprising us arriving home from work early, making a new friend, catching up with an old friend, finding new jeans for a budget price that fit perfectly, sharing hot chocolate, a trip to the library, soaking in sunshine on a winter's day.} 

{image by me via instagram}

~ Linking with Maxabella and loads more gratitude at Kidspot's 52 Weeks of Grateful.   

What's been the sweetest part of your week? And what are you grateful for? 　
　

To have knowledge

The past two months have been filled with doctors appointments. Nothing major {but six of them}. And that's not like us.

Each visit I've listened so hard {it's hurt my head}. I've asked questions {and been drawn pictures}. I've come home with handouts.

I feel ignorant. I know so very little {about the workings of these bodies of ours}. I now know a little more. But still little.

And I hate that I don't have any real medical knowledge {and training} to help my babies {when they're in need}.

I'm all full of guesses and worries, wanting to listen to my intuition but ringing that nurse-on-call instead {who reminds me she can't see my baby so she's guessing too}.

I am so utterly grateful though that I've created a little {wonderful and amazing} support network of traditional and alternative therapy practitioners close by.

I trust them {their intuition, and their real medical knowledge and skill}. I breathe easier knowing they are here.

But lately I can't help but think I should have chosen a different career {something medical}?

Elisa xx


{In reality I'd probably suck in the medical profession, but to hold that knowledge! Writing, editing and meditation are most definitely more my thing. In fact, I'm sure I was destined to write, in one way or another.}

{image by me via instagram}  

Do you have medical knowledge? Do you wish you did?

Waiting for brighter days

Winter is normally my favourite season {going slow, early nights, scarves and the ocean}. But this week all I can think of is brighter days {and sunshine too}.

Little miss two isn't well and for days it's been little-sleep nights {peppered with anxiety as I hold her close and listen to her strained breathing and sleeping tears}.

I've been looking into her big eyes and watching closely as sleep arrives {sending her body love to help it as it heals}.

But mostly I keep telling her that she's getting better {little by little each day}. And especially when she tells me it hurts.

I'm exhausted {and trying my best to keep cranky and tears at bay} and I'm giving thanks for health {and reminding myself to do so every day}.

Today we looked at the winter sky {mostly white and grey} and watched as rain filtered through.

In the early afternoon we spotted a patch of blue {and I wished for summer}. But little miss two just stared at that light blue {the dark clouds and the rain} and asked where her rainbow was.

I told her the sky was missing a rainbow today. She said we can wait.

And that's what today has felt like, strained and dark lit up by patches of smiles and a giggle too. Resting {and healing} and waiting for brighter days and that wonder-light feeling of health {and rainbows too}.

Elisa xx


Do you have a favourite season?

Oh, there you are...

It's been a week of fast {and slow}. Fun {and miserable}. Healthy {and sick}. Loud {and quiet}. Exhausted {and exuberant}.

There's been very little writing {my soul has missed it most}, and reading has been less too. Many thoughts {and daydreams} of sleep. And sighs over goals and projects planned {but never begun}.

Normally life's somewhere in the middle {minus the sick part - I'm grateful that health is most often constant}.

And I'm embarrassed to admit that in the low parts, gratitude was very far from what I felt. I saw what I didn't have {and I dwelled there for longer than I care to share}.

But now, as I sit in relative quiet waiting for my peppermint tea to brew, I can see grateful was there {is there} all week {even when I was too consumed to let it in}.

I'm grateful for a laughing baby {happily snuggled in her great-grandmother's arms}.

I'm grateful for roasted almonds {and dark chocolate too}.

I'm grateful for my little miss two who with limited words, chooses them so well {"I kiss your head better Mummy" "No worries, be alright" "I love you"}.

I'm grateful for a warm bed to sleep in every night {and the man I share it with}.

I'm grateful for my body's message to slow down {even if I didn't appreciate it's delivery in the form of a cold}.

I'm grateful for the colours of sunset {that surprised me with beautiful reflections through the frosted panel on our front door}.

I'm grateful for long walks with water views {and a little girl who loves to search for planes in the sky}.

Elisa xx

{Linking with loads more gratitude at Kidspot's 52 weeks of Grateful}

What are you feeling grateful for this week?

Happiness is here and here and here

I'm finding happiness in the strangest places, at the oddest times, and in moments that seem like nothing but feel like everything.

Inspired by the "Happy Days in May" project over at Seven Cherubs, I decided to keep a happiness journal this month. Each night I've recorded a little something that has made me happy each day. Just a sentence, fragment or two.

Now 21 days in, I looked over my happy notes and found most days my girls are my happy. No surprise there. I love them more than I knew possible, so of course they're giving me endless bursts of happiness.

But what did surprise me is the little moments of seeming nothingness that brought happiness to my body, mind and soul...

...Ten minutes of stretching in bed in the morning. Waking my body slowly, gradually, gently, with ease. {A contrast to the usual bound out of bed to get little miss two her fix of yoghurt and Dora}...

...Running outside in the grass barefoot at little miss two's request {I felt free, boundless, refreshed}...

...Sitting down for five minutes {and listening to the tick-tock of the kitchen clock, drinking a HOT cup of tea, and savouring two pieces of dark chocolate}...

...Lying down and listening to the sounds of close-to-silence for 10 minutes as my babies slept...

I had no idea my life had so much happy moments going on until I started recording it. And it's made me notice more and more that what we focus on, we create. Just like my focus on gratitude, this happiness caper is making life that little bit sweeter, lighter, healthier. I wonder what's next...

Elisa xx


What {or who} is making you happy today?

One day it all changed. Everything. In an instant.

{image via}

Being a mum is ingrained in me. It's in my heart, it's in my skin, it's in my cells.

It wasn't always like this. It happened all of a sudden.

You see, I was happily doing the corporate career thing and loving it. I had money to spare and money to splurge. I could stay up late, and I could sleep in. I could save for holidays, and eat dinner at beautiful restaurants. I was my priority. My husband was my priority. New clothes were important. And handbags, new books, magazine subscriptions, soy lattes and brunch too.

I'm not saying I was a material-loving yuppie with no concern for anyone but myself. Far from that. But maybe a little that. Friends and family were high on my priority list too. What I am saying here is being a mum wasn't top of the list. It was something I was going to get to. Eventually. It wasn't a part of me. The way my husband, family, sleep, work and travel were.

And then one day it all changed. Everything. In an instant.

I can pinpoint the exact moments I realised being a mum was everything I wanted. It was the moment it was no longer a possibility.

I sat in the doctor's office ready and willing to take whichever drug was named to cure the gut-wrenching pain in my stomach that was seeing me curl under my desk at work, walk ever-so-briskly past my colleagues to the toilet praying I would get there in time, and then cry silent tears as I reached the toilet and the gut-wrenching pain intensified before ceasing and leaving me wondering, why me?

This was what I termed hell. I wanted it over. And I didn't care how. Just make it gone. And let me resume life as normal. I wanted boring, same-same, nothing-going-on-here, dullness. Anything but this.

So I waited in that doctor's room, and I said yes eagerly when the medicine was prescribed to make me feel normal again. I didn't want to hear the side-effects. "Because everything has side-effects," I joked.

But then in my daydreaming about life as normal, a body that functioned effortlessly, and a stomach that felt no pain, I heard words... fragments... pieces of information...

...And you will need to stay on this medication indefinitely.
And it's advised that you don't fall pregnant. The drug will cause serious defects...

Indefinitely. Forever? Defects. No babies. Forever? What?

...Because your comfort, and your body's return to natural rhythm is more important right now...

What?

...You will feel so much better. Soon you'll be back to normal. Plenty of people take this medication...

What?

...This is your cross to bear. Do you have any questions?

What?

I had questions. Mainly, "What?"

There has to be another way, I thought. I begged my head to think of something. I thought of nothing. I was overwhelmed, distraught, dumbfounded. And Instead, I made a list in my head: Gut-wrenching pain goes away. No babies. Medication forever.

I wanted to scream, "But I'm healthy! I was healthy! What is going on?" And as I sat in the chair, staring blankly at the doctor in front of me, my mind drifted in and out of consciousness. Thinking, thinking...

I was healthy! I ate healthy. Did I?
I had a good figure. That's healthy, right?
A good BMI. That makes me healthy {even if I don't exercise}, right?
So, I'm stressed. Everyone's stressed. That's today's world. Right?
That lady in the waiting room said I needed yoga {but I don't}. People who need to relax do yoga. I relax all the time. Wait, what's relaxing again?

I wasn't healthy. I thought I was. I didn't know what healthy felt like. But I did know that healthy didn't involve these gut-wrenching pains, and being such a frequent toilet guest.

And I knew I wanted a baby. I wanted to be a mum. In that instant, that was all {everything} I wanted. And I knew what I had been focusing on wasn't what I really wanted at all.

I wanted my devoted husband, my loving family and friends, and our house. But this fast-paced, workaholic, stress-induced, gut-wrenching, no-time-to-stop, productivity-is-most-important, don't-stop-when-you're-sick, no-time-to-listen-to-your-body, never-say-no-to-more-work manifesto? It was killing me. From the inside out. And it was killing my dreams.

And in that instant, I shrunk, I shrivelled and the outer layer of my perfect facade peeled away. I felt raw, ashamed and overwhelmed. I couldn't do it all. I'd created this frenetic life. And my insides were inflamed and bleeding because of it. Because of me. This is what I had become. I had done this to myself.

I had done this to myself. I pondered that. Was I being harsh? Or was I now seeing the truth?

All these thoughts in minutes, and there I was still sitting opposite the doctor. His arm outstretched handing me a prescription. I looked him in the eye, hoping I would find another way. He smiled gently. I took the prescription and walked out.

With a tear-stained face and blurry vision, I drove my car to the chemist and watched blankly as the pharmacist printed off a list of side-effects. I read them. This drug was effective. It would take away my pain. And it would take away my dreams.

I desperately wanted the pain to go away. Just for now, I thought. Just for a few weeks. Just to feel like me again for a few days. I cried big juicy tears onto that list of side-effects, but they didn't wash away.

I handed the list back. I left without the medication. And as I walked out, tears flowing, my whole body echoed with the words: You've done this to yourself. Your body has created this. My body created this.

The doctor had said this {ulcerative colitis} was an auto-immune disease. Auto-immune disease: when a person's immune system attacks their own body tissues. My body was attacking itself. My body created this.

Then, as I slumped back into my car, something snapped, unravelled, shifted inside me. Those words on repeat: My body created this. And then I felt a response: So, uncreate it. "Uncreate it", I said out loud. "You created it. Now, uncreate it." I said it again. This time louder.

In that instant, I believed my dream of being a mother was possible. I believed I could {and would} heal. I believed I would be healthy again. I didn't know where to start. But I believed I would find a way. Somehow, some way.

And in that instant, my whole body yearned to be a mother. It was in my heart, it was in my soul, it was in my cells. It happened all of a sudden.

Elisa xx


{I believe some of us are born mothers, and for some of us like me it takes a certain experience to get us there. Some of us become mothers in an instant. I believe having children isn't the only way to be a mother. We can be mothers to our sisters, to our friends, to our own mothers, to someone else's children. Sometimes we're mothers for a lifetime, sometimes for a few moments. And at some point as a mother you are someone's whole world. I believe sometimes mothering comes naturally, sometimes it's learnt. I believe sometimes all we really need is to be a mother to ourselves. I'm still learning mothering, and I'm okay with that.}

{This isn't the first post on my health journey, but perhaps it's close to the beginning. It's my first on auto-immune disease. Please understand I am no medical expert, and I don't intend to ever be. I'm writing from personal experience. This is one journey to better health, and there are many ways to get there. I'm writing for me, but deep down I do hope sharing my experience will help even just one other.}

{You can read more about what autoimmune disease is here}
 

Goodbye April, hello May!

This past month has been about change. About facing fears. About making commitments. About trusting. About letting go. But mostly about change.

I've celebrated my birthday, I've made a commitment to sharing my journey to {even} better health, I'm focussing on cultivating gratitude {in my every day} and I've begun tuning in more often to all things that make my heart sing.

My April in five words: Reprioritising, Challenging, Grateful, Rewarding, Love.

My April in images {via instagram}:

A wish {wishes} for May:

To spend more time just being {rather than doing}.

To be more gentle with myself {and others}.


Time to say goodbye April. And a big hello May!

Elisa xx


{I joined Fat Mum Slim's Photo A Day Challenge in April - I doubted I would make it the whole 30 days - taking a photo for each prompt - but I did and I loved it. A little creative outlet and loads of fun, and Instagram filters make everything oh-so-much-prettier! To follow me on Instagram for the May challenge, look up @withgraceandeve}


What five words describe your April? What are you wishing for in May?