Wednesday, 18 April 2012

A confession, an apology, a thank you



I'm so sorry. You deserve better than this.

I'm really sorry. This time I mean it. I know I've said it before. And you and I both think I'll be saying it again. But maybe it'll be longer between sorrys this time?

That's not what I meant. I'm sorry. I'll try harder this time. I want to change. I want this to be the last time I utter those words. I know you're sick of hearing it. I'm sick of saying it. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I'm so hard on you. I know you're trying to keep it all together. And I know you're not getting much sleep. That's probably a little my fault. I'm so sorry. I'll try not to keep you up at night with my thoughts. 

I know you've got a lot on your plate. You do all these amazing things without me having to even remind you. All this behind-the-scenes work that's so important. I'd be lost without you. But I take you for granted. Every day. I know I do. I'm sorry. 

I can see you're tired. There are dark circles under your eyes. And fine lines too. When did they arrive? I swear they weren't there last time I looked at you. I saw you using that eye whitener stuff the other day, and I have to tell you I don't think it's working. I'm sorry. I thought you wanted me to be honest. 

And I saw you in the mirror the other day. I was staring at you, scrutinising the extra fat lounging on your hips and tummy. I was frustrated just looking at it. Looking at that fat. It shouldn't be there. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. You've been through so much. I'm sorry. I'm being hard on you again, aren't I? 

A few months back you starting hurting, didn't you? I thought I heard you cry out, but I brushed it aside. I didn't want to bother you. Actually, I didn't want to deal with you. I had so much to do. You just weren't a priority. I'm sorry. 

A couple months ago you fell apart a bit, didn't you? I thought I saw signs that something was wrong, but I looked the other way. I had so much to do, you see, and it was just easier to cast you aside. I meant to get back to you, just stuff came up. And then I forgot about you. I'm sorry. 

You've been nudging me for weeks now. I can feel it inside me. You're not so gentle anymore. I'm sorry it's got this bad. You're screaming. I can hear you now. Really I can. And now I'm listening. I wish I'd listened earlier. I'm sorry. 

You've given me so much. You've given me everything. You've given me the most beautiful, wonder-filled gifts that have ever been given. And still, I'm hard on you. I'm really sorry. 

I'm sorry I made you wait. I'm here now. And I'm ready to change. I want to feel bright, to feel whole, to feel healthy. I'm ready to love you now. 

I'm sorry for what I put you through. And I mean it when I say thank you for loving me. And thank you for healing. And thank you for keeping on going, despite all this. 

I mean it when I say I'm grateful for you.

~ an ode {confession, apology & thank you} to my body

Elisa xx

{This represents my relationship with my body - pre-babies, post-babies, in the healthy and not-so-healthy times. Where it ends is how I now feel about my body. For a while it was cloudy, but now I see a mostly bright blue sky. I've learnt so much. I am so grateful for my body's ability to heal, and especially to grow and birth my two beautiful girls. If you missed it, I wrote about my strive for even better health here. Gratitude is a really big part.}

{Linking with Kidspot's 52 weeks of Grateful, hosted by Maxabella Loves}

{image via stockvault}

What's on your grateful list this week? Does your body make the cut?


  1. A really confronting but open post. thanks so much for sharing. I think I need to say some of those things to my body myself. Thanks for your courage to share x

    1. Thanks Jess. I hesitated using the publish button on this one because it was so raw and open. I really appreciate your comment xx

  2. such a beautifully written piece on something most of us take for granted everyday. thank-you for sharing.

  3. My goodness.

    This is one of the most beautiful things I have read in a long time.

    Just beautifully written.

    So beautifully written!

    I have a lump in my throat.

    I'm so glad you're at a point where it's bright blue skies!

    Cherie xoxox

    1. Thanks so much Cherie xx I'm glad to be at this point too - much brighter, calmer, healthier here :) xx

  4. This really is so beautifully written as others have said before me. And I relate. And I'm glad to hear it's mainly blue sky you're seeing now.

    1. Thank you xx I was hoping I wasn't alone here and someone would relate xx

  5. Beautiful post Elisa. I think there will be a lot of people who can relate - me included. x

  6. Wow Elisa...that's a journey and a half and so beautifully told too

  7. Amazing post...popped in from Maxabellas link xx

  8. I can so relate. I want to copy this letter and send it to my own body. Except, I think I've forgotten the address...

    Good luck with the changes, Elisa. x

  9. What a great post. Loved reading that. My body certainly doesn't make the cut. It's been very badly treated these past couple of years but I'm determined to treat it more kindly this year and the ones to come:)

  10. Oh i just found your blow, hello, how do you do?? We sure do batter our bodies as women but a good walk solves all problems, mind, body & soul (& jiggling bits). You have to love them for what they've managed to achieve though. We see way more faults than others do, love your body & it will love you back. Love Posie

  11. You hit the nail on the head for me. I've been thinking a lot about respect and respect for my body. What it has done for me, despite that I put it last so often.

    Beautifully written. Could tell it came from the heart.

  12. Thank you all - such beautiful comments. I'm really touched. And feels so great to know I'm not the only one with these hang-ups. Here's to giving our bodies some extra respect and love from now on! :) Elisa xx


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