On my mind...

Too many thoughts racing through this head of mine. 

...I keep wondering why I still can't work out what I want to be when I grow up...

...I keep thinking how a less than 48-hour escape from routine {this past weekend} brought so much joy, so much wonder, so much of just us and felt like so much time.

...I keep dwelling on all the years I spent striving for perfection. And how long it took me to accept that I'm not perfect, never will be, and not meant to be either. It's such a relief to surrender from that never-ending struggle. I'm grateful to accept I'm imperfect and discover that's more than okay.  

...I keep remembering a little girl lacking confidence and scared to speak up. Then I see my little girl {four years old} full of confidence, singing her words, asserting herself and naming her emotions as she goes. And I'm so grateful she's not that little me. 

...I keep hearing the word joy. It's become my guiding word/emotion these past few days.

Too many thoughts racing through this head of mine.... So I think I'll just surrender from my thoughts and listen to my heart.

xx

What's on your mind? Please tell me you still don't know what you want to be when you grow up...

Déjà vu

It's been quiet here. Which usually means I've been over-thinking, journalling and taking a little extra time to just be... 

Twice I sat by the water alone these past two weeks. And the first time I felt the same freedom, anticipation and sense of possibility that I'd felt once before but far far from here. 

Much of the scene was the same - crashing waves and a deserted beach. Just me, my heart and my thoughts. And this time my camera. And despite the rolling in of the waves and the hum of the wind, I could feel the silence and hear my heart whispering to me.

...Change is here, now if you want it. Dream! Take a step forward, and then step back again if you need to. But do move! And love those tiny moments that propel you forward, don't just save all that loving for the final destination...

I kept thinking of the joy in beginning something new that can subdued by fear of what beginning could mean, could entail, could create... I kept thinking how ruling that fear can be. And I kept thinking that was just a thought, and a thought can be changed...

By the sea here I was so very aware that I was alone yet not lonely. It was only as I walked away from the water that I noticed that small pile of sand nestled on the wooden post - yet to be blown away, yet to journey back to the sea. And it suddenly dawned on me that someone else had been here moments before me. And I hoped they saw what I saw, and felt even a little of what I felt. That now is the time. And I really am free to be me.

xx

~ Adding to my reflections by the sea: images 16/52 and 17/52.

Her words, my heart & a dose of mother guilt

Sometimes in the midst of caring for my girls and working from home I beat myself up about not doing a good enough job at either role. 

Thing is somewhere deep down I do know I'm doing a good job at both roles. And for the most part I have this balance thing going pretty well... even if it means intentionally carving out time to make our memories and just be.

But, and this often strikes during school holidays (read now!), there's an emotional part of me that cringes when I step into another room to make a work call or tell miss four that she really does need to amuse herself for 10 minutes so mummy can put the finishing touches on an article, or when I hear myself saying "just one more minute" and then realising it's not the first time I've asked for that one minute more...

A few week's ago I asked miss four if I she would like to help me bake our bread - something she loves to do and we often do together. Her response: "Not right now Mummy. I'm doing my work, you'll need to wait ... just one minute." Cringe. Sigh. Guilt. I waited, and watched as she purposefully wrote numbers on her paper. She gave me all her attention and love when she was ready, one minute later. 

The day after I chatted with another mother about my feelings of guilt. I knew she was in a similar situation to me and was comforted when she admitted it crept up on her often too... She suggested that perhaps it was just part and parcel of being a working-from-home mum. And just as we were about to leave the conversation at that, another mum joined in, "Actually that guilt happened to me too. I still cringe, thinking I could have done more, shown them more, taught them more, been present more... and I chose to stay home with them until they went to school. I think it's just part and parcel with being a mum."

But is it? This guilt that nobody ever tells you about pre-kids, that stings horribly and is hard to erase. Does it have to be part of motherhood?

Yesterday I overheard miss four talking to miss two: "What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be a mum that's just like my mum." And my first thought was: I must be doing something right. Maybe more than something. And truth is those words went and made my day.

I keep hoping my girls will remember when they're older that I was doing my best. And I hope that's enough. Because I suppose in the end that's all I can do. To trust myself, do my best, love fully and keep on collecting {and savouring} heart moments as I go.

xx 

Does mother guilt come your way too? x
{Image above taken by the super-talented Laura at Perla Photography x}


  

To soar

I walk outside to check the weather, and there are birds staring at me from the grass.

I look to the sky and a solo bird flies into the frame and sits directly in my view.

I step outside sleepily to watch the sun rise and birds are already perched on the fence and power lines singing their tunes.

And every time I see them I keep waiting for them to soar. You know the moment? When they move from still to up, up and away.  With purpose, with direction, with momentum, rhythm... with power and energy but with grace.

I keep waiting. And they keep on staying still. Fly, I think. Fly! Show me how you can soar.

Eventually I walk away. 

And eventually I come to the realisation that we don't need bold, dramatic or "something to talk about" action to soar. That we can soar immersed in stillness and in presence, in peace of mind and in heart. And sometimes without a word spoken, or written. Without a movement outward, but with expansiveness within.

xx 

{Soaring - how I soar, what I need to soar, to stay present, and to be the best me - has been on my mind this week, as has gratitude and the joy and presence that can come from creating a ritual that both honours and nourishes us. A lot to think about, and a lot I want to write and something I need to share... for another post soon! This week I feel most grateful for time - time alone and time together, and time to just be. Elisa x}

What are you most grateful for today? And what makes you soar?
   

Choosing what to see ~ 11/52

Stealing glimpses of the water through tree branches reminds me so much that every day I get to choose what I see and how I see it, and that there's so much I don't see and don't know.

And I think that's okay, as long as I acknowledge there's always something missing from the picture {more to be seen}. 

xx

What if...

Balance is such a funny thing. I've felt balanced and blissful this week, and then had moments of anxiety when I've needed time and space to be alone, to organise various work deadlines and things I have to do, to find my clarity, then just sit and be.

In those moments I'm often reminded first of my imperfections. I've felt uncoordinated, like I'm not doing a great job of anything and a tad overwhelmed too.

But if I flipped that, if I put my judgements of myself aside, perhaps I would see it as: someone working through her stresses and emotions, maybe I would see strength and commitment, perhaps I would see someone who is supportive and gives her all...

In my little girls' eyes, perhaps I would see a mother who gives an abundance of love, tries her best and brings kindness to each day...

I read this today: "If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realise how special you are to me..."

And perhaps I skipped over the true point, because yes I see that it's about a parent and child and I so want my girls to clearly see their strengths and what makes them wonderful and unique... but my thoughts kept drifting to what if we all stopped for a few moments to view ourselves through the eyes of someone who loves us... what if we stopped to do that right now?

I did just that. And it changed my mindset in an instant. I'm hoping you'll give it a go too?

xx

{Image above of me and my girls taken by the talented Laura @ Perla Photography.}

{I'm not sure where that quote originally comes from or who it's by - if you know, love you to let me know so I can credit it please. Elisa x}

When nothing is new

There's so much happening here, and not a lot at the same time too.

Tell me, what's new? I was asked this week.

I stalled for an answer because not a lot is new. {Even if every day feels new.}

"Nothing new", I said. "But life is good."

I read a look of disappointment in that I had nothing to tell. Although perhaps that was my perception, and it wasn't meant like that at all... Either way, it got me thinking about how that conversation could have gone. What I could have said. And if the truth of my now would have been enough...

That I'm working a couple days a week, writing articles and making a conscious effort to cut back on unnecessary time online. That I'm writing loads {but forgetting to publish it} and enjoying the inspiration that comes from creating {for here}.

That I'm really seeing my little ones. And loving our moments. And the memories we're consciously creating. We've been going places new, and it's bringing a freshness... like I'm seeing my babies differently in each moment, witnessing and marvelling at them as they are right now... And life feels so much less cluttered this way.

That the rhythm of our days has slowed, as have we. I'm not sure which came first. I suppose the change started with me. But there was a definite pulling to settle and slow from around me and within me... As though I'm moving in line with the season's days more than ever before.

That I'm witnessing more and more what I am drawn to doing, eating, reading. And noticing my own changes of heart.

That I've been watching the world around us and reflecting on the impact it has on our little world right here.

Nothing new, I said. Because nothing is physically new and big, and it felt like I had nothing to tell. But really life feels big and precious and like nothing and everything is happening at once. And that {life just as it is in this very moment} is big and new enough for me. And for that I'm grateful.

xx

{Joining Kylie and the gratitude community at 52 Weeks of Grateful here}

What are you most grateful for today? xx

Can't help but dream

 

I'm a dreamer. In so many ways.

As a little girl I dreamt of making a difference. I dreamt of creating change.

I dreamt of boarding an airplane that would take me far far away.

I dreamt of the day I would drive to a destination unknown.

I dreamt of sitting alone on a deserted beach with roaring waves.

I dreamt of bright blue skies and a summer that didn't end.

I dreamt of my name in print.

I dreamt of being a mother.

I dreamt of confidence.

I dreamt in colour.

And I dreamt in words.

And I've been wondering where she went.

That ambitious, dreamy girl with curious eyes and a mind that wondered, pondered and questioned, and a heart that looked for the love in everything.

Then I look in the mirror, and see she's still there. Still wondering, dreaming, ambitious and curious.

She's constantly seeking clarity. And always checking in with her heart. But she's wiser too. And older. And better at practising balance.

She's still wondering an awful lot. And full of ideas. She dreams more than ever.

Plenty of those dreams of hers have come true. But some have been put on hold, and others abandoned. New ones are created almost every day.

I can't help but dream big. So much I want to do. Learn. Create. See. Write. Hear. Appreciate. Discover.

I'm a dreamer. In so so many ways.

xx

 {Grateful for dreams - big and little, and especially when they come true. I realised, a little after the event, that a dream became reality this week. I was too in the moment to remember I'd even dreamt it up. I noticed too that some of my dreams feel so so close right now. I'm almost there. And yet others feel out of reach, but that's okay. This weekend I'll create some space for clarity - and be giving thanks for the feeling of lightness I know it will bring. Elisa xx}

~ Linking with gratitude to Maxabella's 52 Weeks of Grateful.


Are you a dreamer too? Do you dream big? And what are you grateful for right now? x


~ Oh, and I'm loving bloglovin'! Are you on bloglovin too? Do let me know if your blog is! You'll find With Grace & Eve here.

Deciphering direction

I had been doubting myself and my ability, but mostly seeking clarity. 

Deciphering direction. And trying to turn my dreams into actions.

I was thinking an awful lot.

And when I realised {after a long while} I promptly decided to stop.

That's when I found this affirmation:

"There is no limit to what I can accomplish if I know the direction I am going and am willing to make the effort."

It's been on repeat here.

I'm choosing to believe in effort, perfect timing, opportunity and that sometimes you just have to take a chance so that dreams can come true.

xx

What are you affirming right now? x

{Affirmation found via here}

 

It takes a moment

I've had a week of slow days and nights.

But the moments have gone so fast.

I've found myself willing away time in anticipation of a new day {a fresh start and a better time}.

While moments have struck me with such force {I've had to hold on to my heart}.

It took only a moment to realise what I have {an abundance}.

It took only a moment for the world to spin {in a direction I didn't foresee}.

It took only a moment to speak words of thanks {I had been hiding in my head}.

It took only a moment to reschedule plans {and make room where it needed to be}.

It took only a moment of tragedy this week to see gratitude in a way I haven't seen it before.

xx

{I'm working on creating more intentional moments in my day. Choosing to see and listen and stop and love. Because they're the kind of moments I want to hold on to on slow days, and fast ones too.}

{I'm grateful for the moments I've created this week. Linking with gratitude to Maxabella's 52 Weeks of Grateful.}

What are you most grateful for this week?

Thinking {out loud}

So much has been on my mind this week.

It's been filled with thoughts and questions and to-do lists with no end.

I've been thinking a lot about this post and this post on motherhood I wrote last week, and feeling grateful for the amazing comments {thank you} that so very much strengthened what I was trying to convey.

I've been thinking about our new house while I furiously pack up this house {and then realise I've packed things I will be needing over the next week...}. And I'm feeling grateful that timing did in fact work out rather divinely {despite my cursing} in the end.

I've been thinking about being scared. In the "boo" sense. Twice I've jumped in fright this week {crept up on in hide-and-seek by my little miss almost-three, and then scared by a big black cow on our morning walk. Yep, a cow.} And normally I might not be grateful, but both times I noticed how alive and in the moment I felt.

I've been thinking about tears. I've listened to them three times this week. And it hurts to hear it, and know I can't {physically} reach the person on the end of the phone. But I'm grateful that I called when I did, that I could be there to listen. And despite the hurt that tears convey, I do think they are a good thing - all that trapped emotion has to come out somewhere, some way, somehow.

I've been thinking loads about my little sister {and how much I can't wait for her to return home}. She's in Malawi, Africa with 10 other volunteers providing aid relief, giving generously with their hands and their hearts. I'm inspired by all of them, and so grateful to read {and learn from} their stories.

I've been thinking about spontaneity {ever since Maxabella wrote this post}, and the lack that's been going on here. Our style has been rather cramped as we prepare to move, so we had a coffee date {we didn't really have time for}, a barefoot run on the grass {while the sun was shining but the air still a little icy} and a game of hide-and-seek {just before bedtime}. Little things, but grateful they brought change and laughter and big smiles too.

The question, "Are you okay?" has been on mind, too. And not just because this week marked RUOK? Day. But because I asked this question yesterday, and it was the right question to ask. And because I was asked this question too, and I felt grateful someone cared enought to ask it, and even more grateful that I am indeed okay.

But mostly this week I've been thinking about my baby and her first birthday tomorrow {and a little miss who is turning three in coming weeks}, and I've been giving thanks for my girls and all the amazing love they give.

Elisa xx

What's been on your mind this week? Anything made you feel grateful?

{Linking with gratitude to Maxabella and Kidspot's 52 Weeks of Grateful}

*image created with befunky app